I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
