The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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