I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
