I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
