So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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