my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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