Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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