: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
