just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
