Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
