Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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