life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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