I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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