i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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