Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
