he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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