is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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