I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
