Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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