So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
