I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
