Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
