I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
