ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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