i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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