I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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