Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
