she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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