i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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