Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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