Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The best revenge is premature balding
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
