It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
