If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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