Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
