New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
