so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
