There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
