Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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