yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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