Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
