At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My ATM looks so different sober.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
