1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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