don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
