Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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