I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
