And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
