allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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