We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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