I heard we made out
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
