Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
