dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
