so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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