My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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